by Michael Cristiano
As a writer, there is always a pressure to write something that can sell. I have a weird relationship with this notion, but for the sake of this post, let’s just say that it’s true.
However, as a freelance editor, I encounter authors every day (whether I do work for them or not) who cave to the pressure of writing something marketable by incorporating clichés into their stories. Don’t get me wrong: using a cliché here or there won’t destroy a novel for me. There are many novels I adore that employ many a cliché.
On the other hand, not all clichés are created equal, and some make me more annoyed (read: inexplicably furious) than others. Here is a list of clichés that I just. can’t. STAND.
This cliché is at the top of the list for a reason: it is my least favorite cliché. Actually, amendment: it is my most hated cliché. The chosen one cliché stipulates that a character is destined to be the hero and save the entire world because everyone around them or some silly prophecy says so. It completely allows an author to be as un-creative as possible and abstains them from having to think about a character’s motivation. I mean, who *actually* wants to save the world anyway?
Yes, J.K. Rowling did it in Harry Potter, and J.K. Rowling did it well, but other writers are not J.K. Rowling, so they should just stop.
“It was all a dream…”
Dreams are the worst. Whether the story opens with a dream or, *gasp*, gets all the way to the end to reveal that the entire story was a dream, there is no simpler way to piss off your reader. Seriously. It is the equivalent of your friend telling you about that one time they went to Los Angeles on vacation, met Zac Efron, went on his private yacht, and then after yapping for an hour, they’re all like, “PSYCH! There was no Zac Efron. I didn’t even go to LA.”
Not only do you feel cheated, but you likely have a headache.
That’s what the “it was all a dream…” cliché feels like. A writer spends a whole scene creating something or developing some plot point, and then BAM!, it never happened. Or worse, the author spends the ENTIRE GOSH-DARN BOOK creating this great story, and then at the end, the character wakes up, pulls the pajamas out of their behind, and is like, “Whoa, that was a weird dream.”
No kidding, sleepy head!
Young Adult Fiction
Just as a whole…there are far too many clichés in young adult fiction. I wrote a post about this last year, but I do declare that we are at a state of no return. Young adult fiction has completely taken over, and rightfully so because it’s pretty awesome, but the clichés are out of control.
Whether it’s love triangles or teenagers saving the world or it’s the end of the world, I don’t want to read about it any more. Don’t teenagers live normal lives these days? Does *everyone’s* teenage years have to be a sludge-fest of action scenes, heartbreak, and sexual encounters with supernatural beings?
Don’t answer that.
Super Geniuses & Super Humans
I am sick of characters who miraculously know everything and can do everything. Think Robert Langdon from The Da Vinci Code. That guy was so smart, it was annoying. Why do characters have to know everything? Can’t they just be normal people?
And to top it all off, the worst super-characters are the ones who miraculously figure out that solution to a problem that no one else could figure out…and the solution was so simple that even I could figure it out.
AND the worst part: these picture-perfect, I-do-no-wrong-and-know-everything-about-everything characters always fall unconscious during the most intense moments. Battle scene? Unconscious. Robbery? Unconscious. Tragic moment where their sister dies? Unconscious. Venomous alien-alpacas burst in through the toilets because it turns out the character’s fireplace is one of those suburban fireplaces without a real chimney? UN-FRICKING-CONSCIOUS!
RELATED: The Reluctant Hero
I spoke about this a bit in my post about the heroes of young adult fiction, but this same cliché happens in adult fiction of all genres as well. It consists of a main character who is tasked with saving the world (or just solving a problem), and their crippling self-doubt leaves us with paragraph upon paragraph of sniveling self-deprecation. Don’t get me wrong: a healthy dose of uncertainty keeps characters realistic, but stop whining already!
If a character can’t get it together and embrace their purpose, then bring in a stronger character who can!
To me, when a character looks in a mirror and says stuff like “I comb my long, black hair and look into my eyes of chocolate brown”, I want to toss the novel out of my window. We all examine ourselves in the mirror, but who describes themself to themselves? Better yet: who uses a copious amount of obscure adjectives to describe themselves? In my opinion, this is lazy storytelling. Incorporate physical descriptions in other ways. Leave the snore-fest of mirror description out.
Love… as a Whole
I hate to say it, but love is boring. I know there’s a whole market for novels about love, but I’m not talking about that. I’m talking about novels that throw love in for the sake of throwing love in. *Yawn*. And even worse: I can’t stand novels that have nothing to do with love but then at the end are like “everything worked out because love is the most powerful force in the world”.
No. Just GTFO.
Wise Old People
Don’t get me wrong, I love the elderly (Hi, Nonna!). But they don’t know everything. Stop making old people these all-knowing, wise, do-no-wrong seers that feed the main character quasi-philosophical ramblings and unwanted life advice. Old people want to be left alone. They worked hard all their lives, and the expectation that they’ll provide life-altering guidance is frankly too much weight for their hip replacements.
Unless your wise old character is Yoda. Yoda is a boss.
Guest post contributed by Michael Cristiano. He works in editing and acquisitions for Curiosity Quills Press, and his freelance work has appeared on websites such as Nexopia, FluentU, and BlushPost.