Jealousy. 

It’s enough to make you mad in both senses of the word.

It rears its head at unexpected times, and social media seems to be a good place to foster it these days. And let’s face it–we’re always on social media.

Jealousy-provoking content is impossible to avoid.

In five minutes of scrolling through my Instagram feed, I can see dozens of photos of places I want to visit, people I’d like to meet (or be), books I wish I had written, book deals I’d like to have, cuter kids than mine, nicer handwriting than mine, people I’d like to look like, whatever it is that attracts my current feeling of discontentment.

 

Reflecting on dissatisfaction.

Maybe it’s just that it’s January, a time of year when we’re all taking account of ourselves and seeing where we’re at and where we want to be in twelve months.

Don’t get me wrong. I like New Year’s Resolutions (at least for the first few months, I do, when I feel like I still have plenty of time to reach those lofty goals). But they can bring a sense of discontentment and unhappiness with them. They can simply remind you of how you failed to reach that goal last year, how you still haven’t lost the baby weight or those last twenty pounds–or maybe how you gained weight. How you still haven’t run a marathon, how you still don’t know another language, etc., etc. I could come up with a hundred things of what I haven’t done–goals I’ve set and never reached or things I’ve merely wanted to do and never done.

But those thoughts and failed goals will brew discontentment until the end of time if I let them. It will pull me down from where I want to be. I notice that every time I look at a goal I didn’t meet, a little bit of my confidence is torn down. A little bit of me says “look, you couldn’t do it then, what makes you think you could ever do that now?”

Can I get an amen?

Discontent is something everyone struggles with from time to time. And it often shows up when you see something better than what you have or newer than what you have. A new iPhone? New pair of designer jeans? Longer hair and nails? Better skin? Whatever it is, you see something new and suddenly you realize how badly yours is out of date, or how you just don’t measure up.

Jealousy is the older sibiling to this feeling. Jealousy is when you begin to let that discontentment foster. When you take what someone else has and you envy it, wishing it was yours instead of theirs.

These feelings are awful. No one enjoys being jealous or discontent. They’re uncomfortable feelings that make us unhappy with ourselves and others. It’s no way to live.

So what do we do when we have these emotions? Keep reading, and we’ll figure that out together, okay?

Time for honesty.

I’ve been jealous lately.

A few writer friends of mine and writer acquaintances I follow on social media have been finding their success. They’ve got traditional, multi-book deals, reached bestseller lists, have lots more IG followers than me, more FB followers… They are where I want my author life to be. And I see those things, and I wish I had what they had.

Discontentment in my current spot in life has led to jealousy of my friends who are reaching their successes–successes I wish were mine.

These people are climbing the ladder, churning out well-received books, onto the next book, or making lots of money, or whatever it is. And I’m still losing money in my writing. I’m hiring a babysitter just so I can get a few hours a week, uninterrupted, to write. At home, I’m a mom, or I’m writing early in the morning or late at night when all I want to do is sleep. I’m putting in the time. I’m putting in my dues.

… Aren’t I?

I’ve been contemplating this question all month. And the answer is: I don’t know know if I have paid my dues yet or not. I know there are things I could be doing differently, things I could shift my focus toward, different paths toward the results I want.

However, that doesn’t keep me from getting discontent and sometimes angry at their success–not when I’m still not selling books and not making money and not having their level of success.

I’m playing the comparison game. And it’s a dangerous game to play.

Why you shouldn’t be angry at others’ successes.

It is so easy to scroll through the social media feeds and get frustrated at myself, angry at them, jealous of them, or even allow it to fester into hatred–directed at myself or them.

But none of that is constructive, is it?

Instead I have to force myself to step back. I have to emotionally disconnect from their stories and their successes before I can do anything with my feelings and emotions.

Sure, it’s easy to say “Don’t get jealous or angry,” but it’s much harder to put that into practice. So these are the steps that I’ve come up with in order to combat this all-too-common pattern of negative self-thought.

 

[Need help editing your book? We can help.]

 

1. Remind myself of how far I’ve come–and where we all started out.

I was once a baby writer who had no idea what third person limited point-of-view was or what it really meant to “show not tell.” I once didn’t know what a scene and sequel was or what a comma splice was. I once had only dreams and aspirations, and no FB “fan page” or IG followers.

I started out at nothing too, just like these other authors. They all started at nothing. Sure, sometimes success comes for them quicker, but we all started at the same place and we all take a slightly different route to our destination. Some have twists and turns and circles and hills. Some have valleys and mountains. Some have mud pits and quicksand.

We all take a different route to get there. Sometimes, we can’t control the obstacles in our way.

And that is okay. We have to accept the path we’re on and be patient.

2. Remind myself that others have different life stories.

I don’t know what the other people’s stories are, really. Some of these people don’t have kids or are much older than me with grown kids and grandkids. Some of them have worked harder than I have. Some have a day job. Some have sent out thousands of queries before they got their “big break.” (Gotta admit, I can’t get a book deal if I don’t query agents for a traditional book deal.) Some people seem to “get lucky” but the work and sacrifices they’ve made to get there aren’t always evident.

Honestly? I don’t know. I don’t know if they only sleep four hours a night so they can scrounge together the time to write while their kids and husband sleep. Then they wake and either care for their kids all day or drop the kids at daycare to go to their day job. I don’t know if they have to apply for food stamps because their day job doesn’t pay them enough to provide for their family. I don’t know.

But I do know that I am blessed in my personal life. I don’t have to work if I don’t want to. Our house payments are made because my husband works a full-time job and we can afford for me to stay home with the kids, whether or not I bring home a paycheck. Has that made my writing income less urgent? Yes. If I needed an income, would I push myself harder with writing? Probably. Would it suck some of the joy out of it? Probably.

I need to be thankful for what I have, and not lose sight of the fact that those “famous” or “successful” authors have their own daily struggles too.

3. Reorient myself and double-check my goals so I can meet them.

Maybe someone I know became the next J.K. Rowling. Maybe they’re getting movie deals and hounded by paparazzi and have actors begging to be the lead in their screenplay. That sounds awesome. Every author’s dream.

…isn’t it?

Time to ask myself a serious question: Do I really want that kind of success? No…not really. I have a feeling it would greatly complicate my life and make me busier than I want to be.

I’d be happy with a book (or books) that earned me a few thousand bucks a month. I’d feel like that’s “success.” Do I need to be a bestselling author? Nah. It’s something nice to brag about, it would make me feel good, sure, but am I actively pursuing it and making it one of my goals? Not at this time, no. So should I feel angry or disappointed that one of my friends is there? No! I really can’t justify that discontentment. It’s not fair to myself or to them. They worked hard for that, and they deserve that success (probably).

4. Check and confirm that I’m still making forward progress.

I have books published and I haven’t done much to market them. When they make an occasional sale, I’m happy. If I really sit down and consider it though, my heart is no longer in those books and those projects. Honestly, it hasn’t been in them for awhile. In fact, my genre has more or less switched from women’s fiction to fantasy fairy tale right now. That’s not to say I’m abandoning women’s fiction (I have a story that’s halfway done and brewing on the back burner that I feel quite passionate about), but I’m taking steps to advance a different part of my career. (I really just wish I had the time to pursue both projects at once.)

I’m also working on expanding my editing business. I’ve obtained a copyediting certification from Writer’s Digest, and I’m ready to pursue that a bit more actively. And I’m excited about that.

So when these ugly thoughts of discontentment rear their heads, I go back to my goals list and see what I’m doing daily to meet them. Am I working on my WIP? Am I editing my WIP? Do I have beta readers or an ARC team ready to go? Is there something further I can do in order to meet my goal of 200 sales for my new release? If yes, then get on them–I need to align myself to meet my goals better. Then I can say that I’m doing all I can to reach my success.

5. Ask myself why I’m upset with others’ success.

If the above doesn’t change my way of thinking, it’s time for a little more blatant self-reflection. Here are some questions that I’ve asked myself:

  • Why does this picture/post/situation make me so dissatisfied with my life?
  • Is this reaction unreasonable?
  • If yes, why do I let it get under my skin?
  • If no, how can I change what I’m doing to change my results?
  • Am I jealous of this person for a reason outside of their writerly success? (I.e. Do I feel this person deserves their success?)
  • What do I count as “success”? (Define it in terms of sales, money made per month, or some other measurable way.)
  • How can I change my actions in order to align myself on my path to better achieve my goals?
  • What is one step I can take today in order to bring my version of success closer to my grasp? Do it. Now. No procrastination.

These questions may or may not help you. But I urge you to make a list of questions to review when your own discontentment arises and add to it as necessary.

Put it away.

It’s time to put those voices away. It’s time to take honest stock of yourself and your new goals. We don’t have time to sit in self-pity. We have too many stories to write and share with the world. We must keep going for ourselves if not others.

I have ambitious goals this year, but for the first time I don’t feel like it’s out of the realm of possibility to meet them. I want to publish 3-4 books in my fantasy series. Even though I’ve pushed back the date of the first book release, I have confidence that I will meet that goal. Why? Because I’ve already taken steps toward finishing them. Some of the “to-do” items on those lists are checked off.

I’ve written, revised, and edited book 1. I’ve purchased covers for the entire series, I’ve employed an artist to draw a map of the Seven Kingdoms, and I’m well on my way to publishing 3-4 books this year (for the first time, more than one book in a year!). I’m thrilled with where I’m going, with what I’ve written, and I think I have a handle on this series so much more than anything else I’ve ever written. It’s written more to market, it’s fun, it’s interesting and exciting, and I’m excited about it. And I think that will make all the difference, really.

So I’m just going to keep doing what I’m doing, with a couple changes.

1. I’m going to try and market myself and my books better. (I.e. more habitually.)

2. I’m going to keep writing and keep to my schedule!

3. I’m going to reroute my thinking. When I get discouraged from social media, I’m taking a day off from social media. The social world can wait. If I can’t find the joy in my writing, why am I doing it? I’m not writing to compare myself with others or to be “better” than others. I’m writing because I love it and I feel that it’s my calling to share my writing with others. And if social media is sucking the joy from my life, then I’ll say goodbye to it.

What steps do you take to protect yourself from destructive thinking?

 

 

 

Kelsie Engen loves to read and started her blog to share that passion with others of like mind.